Dudes in a Music Store

The GuitarAttack Crew loves music stores, and, like any business, there are certain "personality types" attracted to all of those guitars and amps.  We found this article, written by Shawn Norris, online and felt it was perfect to describe the folks we see around Guitar Center.  Don't take this personally -- grow from it!


People you’ll find hanging out in a music store

I myself am no musician. I can’t read music (or English) and my rhythm has been suspect since I hit my head after falling out of one of those paddle boats shaped like a swan (I was a mere 23 at the time.) However, a lot of people that I know do enjoy playing music. Over the years, I’ve accompany those people to various music stores in different locations all over the country.

Now, I’m not saying that all of the people listed below are in every music store that you go into. But chances are that you’ve seen a few of these people if you’ve ever worked or visited a store that exclusively sold musical instruments. Although, if you go to a Guitar Center on the right weekend, you may just end up seeing them all. Worse than that, you’ll probably end up having to hear most of them too…

1.  The guy starting a band

There always seems to be one guy just walking around sort of checking out some guitars, while secretly casing the place for a new bass guitarist. He sort of hovers over other people testing stuff out the acoustic instruments section; waiting for a song he knows, so he can strike up a conversation. Every step you take; every move you make; he’ll be watching you. Just like Sting. And Chuck Berry…

2.  The guy there promoting his concert

Usually loitering near the register. Chats up people and tells them, “Yeah, I’m in a band called Dr. Rockupuss. We’re kind of like if The Clash met The Strokes and had a baby that was kidnapped by Slash, but raised by a benevolent half-man half-Ziggy Stardust unicorn.” There is always a guy there just hanging around giving out fliers to a concert or chatting up one of the sales clerks. He’ll pretend like he’s looking for a specific pick or drum stick, but everyone knows the guys is just there to try and sell you on coming to his house show.

3.  The guy who just wants to play as loud as possible

The dude that comes goes to Guitar Center just to rock the house like Pantera. He’s not looking for the most acoustically flawless guitar; he’s looking for the ax that goes to 11. And when he launches into “Smoke On The Water” with a guitar shaped like a naked lady on a sailboat–nobody in the store will be able to deny his raucous, aural superiority. What’s got two thumbs and two ruptured eardrums? What? I said, what’s got two thumbs and two ruptured eardrums?

4.  The girl (any girl)

Anything that has breasts and walks into a store that more time than not will be 100% full of males will automatically get all the attention in the store. Doesn’t matter what she’s looking for. She could be trying out tambourines for two hours and nobody would say a word about the racket. Try and get waited on in a music store when a hot girl walks in. Not gonna happen. Even in a store where everyone is in a band…the boobs will always be more important than the music.

5.  The person who just wants to be praised on his/her abilities

This is the person that takes out a guitar near the middle of the store and proceeds to play the most complicated song he or she knows. This person has spent hours and hours alone in their room for months on end, practicing a song that they can play in public. They have sacrificed their social life just to be in the spotlight for five minutes at a Guitar Center in Wichita, Kansas. These folks seem to be gauging the crowd reaction to see if they should take playing music a step further. Most don’t look like they do, but here comes that lurking man we already talked about…

6.  The guy who works at the store that’s upset that no one is actually there to buy an instrument

A lot of people who work in music stores seem defeated. I don’t blame them. They have to work at a place where they don’t sell a lot of merchandise and yet, lots of people come in to test out their products. Most just pretend they are interested in what the store is selling. It’s like going to a time-share presentation that is somehow more excruciating than a regular time-share presentation. You see the harp in the corner of the store? I mean come on, how many people have you ever seen buying a harp? If there was a mandolin in this room would you even be able to point it out? I don’t blame these people for sometimes looking surly. Imagine how many times you‘ve heard “Stairway to Heaven” and then multiply that by a hundred. That’s what that person lives through everyday.

7.  The person that has zero music experience but plays anyway

That’s me on the bongos mother f@#*ers! Is that a lute over there? I don’t even know how to play a lute, but that’s not going to stop me from trying. Oh boy, I want to play the cymbals! I need more cowbell! Man, I wonder if this song is as annoying as it sounds. Hey, Smoke On The Water, guy–we gotta rock this house to the ground. Bring the funk in 3…2…1…FUNK! That’s right, I’m the most annoying person in the music store because I drink coffee, have no discernable rhythm and like to bang the hell out of things with sticks. Wake Me Up, BEFORE YOU GO–GO. DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING ON LIKE A– OK, I’ll leave. This is me leaving. Wait, did I hear someone yell “Freebird?”

8.  The guy in front of the store making sound effects and singing

Hey that disheveled old lady sounds familiar. And she looks familiar. Looks like a homeless version of David Lee Roth. Oh my God, he IS David Lee Roth! The Scoobeedeedoobittybop-dittybop years haven‘t been good to him. He looks sad and lonely. Tell him we’ve got whiskey and sandwiches–see if he’ll come home and play Guitar Hero with us.

ROCK ON...keep checking back!

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